I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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