So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
