I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
