I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
