Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
