cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
