Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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