Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
