Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
