i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
