i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
