I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
