Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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