I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
