you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
