Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
