Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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