wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
