Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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