I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
