I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
