i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
