I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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