I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
