True but thats because hes a fetus.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
