My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
