God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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