just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
