she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?