but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
