I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize