this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
