This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
