She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
