i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
