when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
