we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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