I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
