Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
