i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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