If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
