My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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