I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...