There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Boobs speak an international language.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
