I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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