i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
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I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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