My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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