I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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