Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
