i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
