Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
