Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
