I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
