I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
