last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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