Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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