The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
